Over the past couple of years I have grown increasingly unhappy with my life. I can’t explain why. By all outward appearances I have a loving husband (let’s call him Bruce), a daughter who is as cute as a button (let’s call her Abby), and a good life. My husband is not abusive or lazy. He has always worked and now supports us all (I used to make well into a 6-figure salary when I first met him and now he makes the big salary and I mostly take care of Abby and work part-time). I don’t need to work for financial reasons, I do so for my own sanity and to keep my skill sharp. Really, I shouldn’t complain.
And yet, I sometimes hate my life.
I wish I could just curl up and ignore everything. Sometimes I wonder if I am bi-polar and just take these swings which I can’t control. Sometimes I wonder if I just hate Bruce now and wish he would just go away. He travels for work and I am so much happier when he’s out of town. Yet the thought of his not coming back doesn’t make me happy either. We have been married over five years and I often wonder if I made a mistake marrying him. We really are not similar at all, but I can’t deny that he is a nice decent good-looking guy. And yet, would I be happier without him? Should I just get over all the things that bug me about him (and yes, we have talked about the issues, they just never seem to change anything) and decide that I am “happy enough”? I feel that if I do that I’d be settling for a sub-par life. Or am I just expecting too much in the first place and I should be happy with what I have? No one is perfect, myself included, which means I shouldn’t dwell on the negative and I should focus on the positive, right? I guess I just have a hard time finding positives when I cringe when he touches me or when he speaks. I can barely listen to him without rolling my eyes and thinking “I am married to a 10 year old”. Isn’t life too short for this?
Abby is great, she is the joy of my life.
I started this blog so that I could journal about my feelings. I don’t expect any responses or advice. This site is for me. But if you would like to provide input which is not hurtful or mean, please feel free to do so. This is hard enough to write about and I’m not writing to be spiteful. I’m just hoping for some insight to what is wrong with me and how to be happy. Because I”m sure that my attitude and negativity is not helping Bruce or Abby.